Dear Neighbors with the Neurotic Dalmation:
It has come to my attention that my two cats, Cleo-the-Evil and Little (20 lb) Kitty, have been encroaching upon your yard despite my best efforts and utilization of the "Water Bottle of Discipline." I apologize. I also apologize for the fact that Little "Fat" Kitty seems to have a morbid fascination with your highly strung Dalmation. While I'm sure that inbreeding accounts for most of his marked yappiness, I am also sure that his demeanor is unimproved by my two cats lounging just out of his range and daring him to attack.
Quite frankly, sometimes I wish he would lunge at them with fangs fully bared just to wipe the smirks off of their smug little faces. Although I have begged, pleaded, cajoled and threatened, to no avail, my cats seem to think that they have free reign over your backyard when Yappy the Dalmo isn't around. This is unacceptable behavior.
I am asking you kindly, as a neighbor, to please turn your water hose on them full blast whenever you see them sniffing around your peonies or ogling the sparrows that congregate around your bird feeder. I would also appreciate it if you could try to aim away from the street as I have no desire to see them flattened either. I am looking for them to be airborne on about 20 gallons of water as they stream into my yard and finally beach on my deck.
I am sure your children would also enjoy playing a game of "Hunt the Mutant Feline Freaks" with one of those large water pistols that shoots H20 with the frequency of an AK-47. Not only would this game prepare your children for a fascinating career as military snipers, it would also ameliorate the rather pungent odor emitting from your slide (which was caused by the cat down the street since my housecats still haven't realized that the outside world is their litterbox).
Thank you for your help in this regard.
Sincerely,
MM
No comments:
Post a Comment