Hacklebarney State Park

The Furry Grim Reaper

NEJM -- A Day in the Life of Oscar the Cat

An absolutely adorable two-year old stray comforts the dying in a Massachusetts Hospice. Strangely, the cat seems to sense a patient's death sooner than the doctors or nurses. Being "chosen" by this little minx causes the nurses to contact your next of kin a.s.a.p. lest they miss your final parting. The cat has a complex personality and is not overly fond of anyone unless they are a hairsbreath away from their final reward.

Mom Jean Spoof on SNL

Videos to Make Your Eyes Bleed: Part 1 - TECHNO HEINO

10 Reasons I Won't be Buying an iPhone Anytime Soon

1.) Hullo - $600.00~! For a PHONE! Someone's been smoking crack! Over the span of a two-year contract, an iPhone will cost at least $2,241. Most carriers offer plans that cost half as much.
2.) ATT Cellular Network F.K.A. Cingular has the WORST Customer service in the world and beyond. Though iPhones are not subsidized, AT&T will still apply the standard $175 early termination fee.
3.) iPhone does not work in other countries. I need at least a G3 to use my phone in Europe.
4.) Flat panel will ensure that my makeup will be smudged all over iPhone everytime I take a call. This will turn me into an iPhone cleaning addict and grant me a new nervous tic.
5.) I was an early adaptor of the iPod Nano and could not BELIEVE the scratches - I want to wait and see if the iPhone has similar issues. Later generation iPhones will fix bugs revealed by the massive consumer test that started yesterday.
6.) I really would like to be able to use my iPhone for music, but if I'm at the gym, I shall look completely dorkalicious, trying to plug into it while on the treadmill.
7.) Not happy with various issues that have come so far SIM Card lock to crappy Cingular/ATT discourages consumer's choice. (And you know you WILL be reamed), there are also issues about the iTunes link to the iPhone.
8.) I will be a stellar mugging candidate if I EVER take my iPhone on the Subway to read the Wall Street Journal.
9.) A new version of the iPhone will be released in 6-7 months (most likely after they have fixed the bugs on version 1.0)
10.) Once again, I would sooner sell the souls of my children to the devil than take out a two year contract with Cingular/AT&T. At least the devil plays fair!

A Letter to My Neighbors

Dear Neighbors with the Neurotic Dalmation:
It has come to my attention that my two cats, Cleo-the-Evil and Little (20 lb) Kitty, have been encroaching upon your yard despite my best efforts and utilization of the "Water Bottle of Discipline." I apologize. I also apologize for the fact that Little "Fat" Kitty seems to have a morbid fascination with your highly strung Dalmation. While I'm sure that inbreeding accounts for most of his marked yappiness, I am also sure that his demeanor is unimproved by my two cats lounging just out of his range and daring him to attack.

Quite frankly, sometimes I wish he would lunge at them with fangs fully bared just to wipe the smirks off of their smug little faces. Although I have begged, pleaded, cajoled and threatened, to no avail, my cats seem to think that they have free reign over your backyard when Yappy the Dalmo isn't around. This is unacceptable behavior.

I am asking you kindly, as a neighbor, to please turn your water hose on them full blast whenever you see them sniffing around your peonies or ogling the sparrows that congregate around your bird feeder. I would also appreciate it if you could try to aim away from the street as I have no desire to see them flattened either. I am looking for them to be airborne on about 20 gallons of water as they stream into my yard and finally beach on my deck.

I am sure your children would also enjoy playing a game of "Hunt the Mutant Feline Freaks" with one of those large water pistols that shoots H20 with the frequency of an AK-47. Not only would this game prepare your children for a fascinating career as military snipers, it would also ameliorate the rather pungent odor emitting from your slide (which was caused by the cat down the street since my housecats still haven't realized that the outside world is their litterbox).

Thank you for your help in this regard.

Sincerely,
MM

Schroedinger's Cat

Congressman "Dirty Rodney" Frelinghuysen Fights off Would-be Mugger

He's rich he's our congressman and he kicks ass!! (Must be the Centrum Silver..) The Daily Record had an interesting article about Morris County Congressman Rodney Frelinghuysen (R). Basically, Rep. Rodney was stepping out and about in Georgetown, a higher end enclave of Washington, D.C. known for its quality restaurants and nightlife when an itinerant 19 year old made the mistake of glomming the Congressman's wallet. Now, had this happened to me it would be a much shorter story involving alot of cursing, whining and wailing because the last time I tried to stop a mugger (in the "wilds" of Jersey City, NJ) I was almost shanked. Literally. The little weasel threatened me with a sharpened metal object so I let him go. (He may also have been irritated because I had pounded him into the nearest parked car, so his shanking threat was not necessarily unprovoked.)

Representative Frelinghuysen, who is a sprightly sixtyish type of gentleman and radiates class the way only denizens of Morris County with large trust funds can, chased the mugger down.

That's right, he chased the mugger down.


Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
FRELINGHUYSEN!
Can you dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
FRELINGHUYSEN!
Right On!

They say this cat Frelinghuysen is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Frelinghuysen.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
(Hmmm...Loses something in Translation. Theme from SHAFT, Lyrics by Isaac Hayes)


Now, I am a non-sprightly late-thirtyish type of person with the kind of body mass that can crush an itinerant teenager's spine should I choose to sit on him. (Of course, you have to keep the muggers still for that.) What has "Dirty Rodney" been imbibing so he has the stamina and push to CHASE DOWN A 19 YEAR OLD? Is this something they train you for in "Congressman Class"? Living in D.C.: Mugger Bashing 101? Is Karl Rove teaching self-defense classes for Republicans who may be waylaid in the back hallways of the Capitol by bands of rabid Democrats brandishing snarky amendments to House Resolutions?

Rep. Frelinghuysen (which is SO difficult to spell) has been a Congressman for FOURTEEN years (seven terms) and usually runs unopposed although this year Tom Wyka (Dem.) ran against him just for giggles. I've studied Frelinghuysen's voting record (Open Congress - see link to the left of page) and we are lucky in that Morris County has a congressman who actually shows up for work and does his job. He votes for resolutions supporting Big Pharma, which he should, since half of Morris County is employed by Big Pharma and would like to remain employed so that they are able to vote for Frelinghuysen in the next election. He has bucks in a Trust Fund so he is less likely to be bribed - I mean solicit campaign contributions for "favors." (Congressmen need to divulge their financial information on an annual basis to avoid any appearance of impropriety and my natural inquisitiveness (read: nosiness) had me downloading disclosure ASAP. He is a classic representative of the county he was chosen to represent. (Let's all repeat after me: Morris County, New Jersey, third highest income per capita of any county in the United States.)

Basically, if he wasn't married, he'd be the perfect man to date my ridiculously athletic, Republican mother.

(Except that Mother is traumatized by a recent divorce and has taken to carrying pepper spray to avoid eye contact with would-be suitors. Special apologies to the gentleman on the train with the unfortunate pick-up line whom she thoroughly maced when he queried her for her astrological sign. P.S. Thank you so much for not pressing charges...)

I wish that more news outlets would have picked up this story since it would have mitigated the Court TV debacle concerning the Morristown Nurse (I am referring to the Morristown nurse found guilty in Middlesex County (New Brunswick) for allegedly knocking out her husband and then performing a slice and dice on his remains, prior to re-packaging him into a set of matching luggage.) So kudos to you, Dirty Rodney, I may actually vote for you in the next election (if you are running unopposed again because I AM a Democrat.)

Social Security Death Database - Or, How to Find Your Missing (or Possibly Dead) Relatives

http://www.genesearch.com/socialsecurity.html

While I'm sure that many of my fellow Morris County (third highest income per capita of any county in the United States) residents have stable families where all members are accounted for, indeed venerated and celebrated at family functions, gatherings and reunions, there is always one "black sheep" or "prodigal son" in every family.

Preferably, these members can be shipped a great distance away from Morris County in order to keep the per capita income figure at a comfortably high level for the rest of us (note: this is sarcasm...)

Every family has a member who "loves alcohol and/or illicit substances just a bit too much" or who "needs some space in order to investigate the modification of his girlfriend's mobile home into a meth lab" or who "slapped his wife around one too many times and finally broke her arm so you hired her a lawyer and hid her and the kids out in your basement until he came by and you had to call the police and buy a .44 for protection." The players always change but the stories remain the same.

Naturally, we all want to distance ourselves (and our imaginary children) from those who may wield such undue negative influence upon our nearest and dearest.

After the ninth intervention doesn't take and the fifth rehab fails to quash the user's addictive rages there remains only one alternative - walk away and close the door. It is also acceptable to hope that your loved one hits bottom and rescues himself from the stygian depths of hell because you obviously have no impact upon them whatsoever.

I know it sounds cruel, however, those of you who have some personal knowledge of the topic will nod your heads vigorously. There comes a time when the sanctity of your family is tested vs. the self-destructiveness of the addict and it is okay to pick your family first.

One of my imaginary relatives (Jane) lost her mother to Smirnoff and Absolut. Her father was awarded custody of her after a monumental court battle which involved the disbursement of half of her college fund to her father's attorneys and the other half to her mother as a bribe to leave her alone (this is not as mean as it sounds, the mother either vanished for weeks at a time or showed up at Jane's school completely plastered). After the pay-off, Jane's mother disappeared and was never heard from again. Rumor had it that she ended up in Los Angeles, but that is like a parent saying, "we gave away your old dog to this lovely farm upstate..."

Common wisdom would dictate a shabby death shortly after the divorce but this woman was a stellar example of the French paradox. Jane's mom had embalmed her internal organs to such a degree that she outlived all of Jane's other biological relatives.

While ironic, it was actually a bit of good news as Jane has had a baby at the age of 49 and is hoping to be able to attend at least his highschool, if not college, graduation if she can manage to live that long. After preparing a suitable estate plan in case the inevitable happens sooner than she hopes it does, she began to wonder about her mother's life span vis a vis her own. How old was her mother when she died and where had she died?

However, with no contact for 43 years, how do you find out if your missing relative is dead and at what age he/she passed away? Enter our friend, the internet.

The U.S. government was forced to implement the SSDI (Social Security Death Index) in the 80's as a result of an FOIA (Freedom of Information Act - lots of acronyms in our government) lawsuit. Although the federal government updates the database to ensure that government benefits aren't paid out to the deceased and credit card companies license it to ensure that the deceased aren't granted credit cards, it is not made available to the general public except through the genealogy sites that license it. These sites are also not always up to date and can be months behind so caveat emptor. i.e. Don't blame me if your relative dies in January but cannot be found until spring because Frankie in the Missouri Social Security office was on maternity leave and the database was not updated with the info until she returned because the temp was a lazy, useless ass.

Okay. If you are mentally ready to do this, take a few deep breaths and maybe find a loved one to be on the phone with or for some hand holding. Once again, think about this, do you really want to know? This can be painful. I found my father this way and it would have been rather more intelligent had I left the office BEFORE I did the internet search. My colleagues were not impressed by my wailing and I regretted not having a cognac nearby. Okay, ready? Here goes:

Copy and paste this into your web browser:

http://www.genesearch.com/socialsecurity.html
Use one of the "free" sites. I am not listing specific sites because one or more may be unresponsive. I liked the New England research site, but you can try them all. Some were updated more recently than others but it is all from the same database.

Type as much information as you know. You can type in social security number and/or last name if you know it. My father has an uncommon name so I only typed in that and found him. Jane's mother was researchable because her father and mother had received their cards at the same time and their digits were one apart from another. Jane was happy to discover that her alcoholic mother had died at the wizened old age of 85. With good behavior, Jane may be able to reach 100 and attend her son's fourth wedding!

Good luck in your search and please feel free to ask me questions via the moderated comments.

In my next post, I will relate the tale of how I had to dig my father up and how he is now safely in my basement until I figure out what to do with him...umm, I should probably add that he was professionally cremated, so please don't worry, he is not in my freezer or anything...

New Jersey's Anthem