Obviously this sect has NEVER seen the Passaic River. Had they known what a toxic waste infested , PCB ridden detrius of chemical-related influx that it is, they themselves would have saved the animals the anguish of being slowly asphixiated in that nasty brew and secured their "karmic potential" by making them into a tasty soup and allowing them to reincarnate into housecats. Buddhist Bastards!
From the Daily Record
PATERSON, N.J. (AP) -- A New York sect of Amitabha Buddhists bought hundreds of eels, frogs and turtles in Chinatown to set them free in the Passaic River, hoping they would not only survive but also realize their karmic potential.
Saving the animals, though, did not do anything for the karma of the state Department of Environmental Protection. DEP officials say the Buddhists did not have a permit and may be subject to fines up to $1,000.
Releasing critters into the wild takes a permit -- and because of fears of harm being done by nonnative species, New Jersey is reluctant to issue them out for anything beyond stocking fish ponds.
"We're dead-set against it," DEP biologist Mark Boriek told a local newspaper. "It's even illegal to stock any kind of carp or goldfish in New Jersey in a place with an inlet or outlet."
The DEP said it would try to figure out where the reptiles and amphibians came from to try to guess how they might impact the river, which has been cleaned up in recent years.
Authorities have not found the Buddhist group yet.
But one member, Ann Chin, talked to the newspaper.
She said the idea was not to hurt other species, but to save the animals that were destined for dinner tables.
"When I pass by the fish market, I cry," Chin said. "I tell people: 'Stop killing them.' Then: 'Don't eat them.' Then your heart goes to mercy."
Morris Maven: Her heart would have been better served had she dumped the critters in the Raritan...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The Furry Grim Reaper
NEJM -- A Day in the Life of Oscar the Cat
An absolutely adorable two-year old stray comforts the dying in a Massachusetts Hospice. Strangely, the cat seems to sense a patient's death sooner than the doctors or nurses. Being "chosen" by this little minx causes the nurses to contact your next of kin a.s.a.p. lest they miss your final parting. The cat has a complex personality and is not overly fond of anyone unless they are a hairsbreath away from their final reward.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Saturday, June 30, 2007
10 Reasons I Won't be Buying an iPhone Anytime Soon
1.) Hullo - $600.00~! For a PHONE! Someone's been smoking crack! Over the span of a two-year contract, an iPhone will cost at least $2,241. Most carriers offer plans that cost half as much.
2.) ATT Cellular Network F.K.A. Cingular has the WORST Customer service in the world and beyond. Though iPhones are not subsidized, AT&T will still apply the standard $175 early termination fee.
3.) iPhone does not work in other countries. I need at least a G3 to use my phone in Europe.
4.) Flat panel will ensure that my makeup will be smudged all over iPhone everytime I take a call. This will turn me into an iPhone cleaning addict and grant me a new nervous tic.
5.) I was an early adaptor of the iPod Nano and could not BELIEVE the scratches - I want to wait and see if the iPhone has similar issues. Later generation iPhones will fix bugs revealed by the massive consumer test that started yesterday.
6.) I really would like to be able to use my iPhone for music, but if I'm at the gym, I shall look completely dorkalicious, trying to plug into it while on the treadmill.
7.) Not happy with various issues that have come so far SIM Card lock to crappy Cingular/ATT discourages consumer's choice. (And you know you WILL be reamed), there are also issues about the iTunes link to the iPhone.
8.) I will be a stellar mugging candidate if I EVER take my iPhone on the Subway to read the Wall Street Journal.
9.) A new version of the iPhone will be released in 6-7 months (most likely after they have fixed the bugs on version 1.0)
10.) Once again, I would sooner sell the souls of my children to the devil than take out a two year contract with Cingular/AT&T. At least the devil plays fair!
2.) ATT Cellular Network F.K.A. Cingular has the WORST Customer service in the world and beyond. Though iPhones are not subsidized, AT&T will still apply the standard $175 early termination fee.
3.) iPhone does not work in other countries. I need at least a G3 to use my phone in Europe.
4.) Flat panel will ensure that my makeup will be smudged all over iPhone everytime I take a call. This will turn me into an iPhone cleaning addict and grant me a new nervous tic.
5.) I was an early adaptor of the iPod Nano and could not BELIEVE the scratches - I want to wait and see if the iPhone has similar issues. Later generation iPhones will fix bugs revealed by the massive consumer test that started yesterday.
6.) I really would like to be able to use my iPhone for music, but if I'm at the gym, I shall look completely dorkalicious, trying to plug into it while on the treadmill.
7.) Not happy with various issues that have come so far SIM Card lock to crappy Cingular/ATT discourages consumer's choice. (And you know you WILL be reamed), there are also issues about the iTunes link to the iPhone.
8.) I will be a stellar mugging candidate if I EVER take my iPhone on the Subway to read the Wall Street Journal.
9.) A new version of the iPhone will be released in 6-7 months (most likely after they have fixed the bugs on version 1.0)
10.) Once again, I would sooner sell the souls of my children to the devil than take out a two year contract with Cingular/AT&T. At least the devil plays fair!
Monday, June 11, 2007
A Letter to My Neighbors
Dear Neighbors with the Neurotic Dalmation:
It has come to my attention that my two cats, Cleo-the-Evil and Little (20 lb) Kitty, have been encroaching upon your yard despite my best efforts and utilization of the "Water Bottle of Discipline." I apologize. I also apologize for the fact that Little "Fat" Kitty seems to have a morbid fascination with your highly strung Dalmation. While I'm sure that inbreeding accounts for most of his marked yappiness, I am also sure that his demeanor is unimproved by my two cats lounging just out of his range and daring him to attack.
Quite frankly, sometimes I wish he would lunge at them with fangs fully bared just to wipe the smirks off of their smug little faces. Although I have begged, pleaded, cajoled and threatened, to no avail, my cats seem to think that they have free reign over your backyard when Yappy the Dalmo isn't around. This is unacceptable behavior.
I am asking you kindly, as a neighbor, to please turn your water hose on them full blast whenever you see them sniffing around your peonies or ogling the sparrows that congregate around your bird feeder. I would also appreciate it if you could try to aim away from the street as I have no desire to see them flattened either. I am looking for them to be airborne on about 20 gallons of water as they stream into my yard and finally beach on my deck.
I am sure your children would also enjoy playing a game of "Hunt the Mutant Feline Freaks" with one of those large water pistols that shoots H20 with the frequency of an AK-47. Not only would this game prepare your children for a fascinating career as military snipers, it would also ameliorate the rather pungent odor emitting from your slide (which was caused by the cat down the street since my housecats still haven't realized that the outside world is their litterbox).
Thank you for your help in this regard.
Sincerely,
MM
Friday, June 1, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Congressman "Dirty Rodney" Frelinghuysen Fights off Would-be Mugger
He's rich he's our congressman and he kicks ass!! (Must be the Centrum Silver..) The Daily Record had an interesting article about Morris County Congressman Rodney Frelinghuysen (R). Basically, Rep. Rodney was stepping out and about in Georgetown, a higher end enclave of Washington, D.C. known for its quality restaurants and nightlife when an itinerant 19 year old made the mistake of glomming the Congressman's wallet. Now, had this happened to me it would be a much shorter story involving alot of cursing, whining and wailing because the last time I tried to stop a mugger (in the "wilds" of Jersey City, NJ) I was almost shanked. Literally. The little weasel threatened me with a sharpened metal object so I let him go. (He may also have been irritated because I had pounded him into the nearest parked car, so his shanking threat was not necessarily unprovoked.)
Representative Frelinghuysen, who is a sprightly sixtyish type of gentleman and radiates class the way only denizens of Morris County with large trust funds can, chased the mugger down.
That's right, he chased the mugger down.
Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
FRELINGHUYSEN!
Can you dig it?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
FRELINGHUYSEN!
Right On!
They say this cat Frelinghuysen is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Frelinghuysen.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
(Hmmm...Loses something in Translation. Theme from SHAFT, Lyrics by Isaac Hayes)
Now, I am a non-sprightly late-thirtyish type of person with the kind of body mass that can crush an itinerant teenager's spine should I choose to sit on him. (Of course, you have to keep the muggers still for that.) What has "Dirty Rodney" been imbibing so he has the stamina and push to CHASE DOWN A 19 YEAR OLD? Is this something they train you for in "Congressman Class"? Living in D.C.: Mugger Bashing 101? Is Karl Rove teaching self-defense classes for Republicans who may be waylaid in the back hallways of the Capitol by bands of rabid Democrats brandishing snarky amendments to House Resolutions?
Rep. Frelinghuysen (which is SO difficult to spell) has been a Congressman for FOURTEEN years (seven terms) and usually runs unopposed although this year Tom Wyka (Dem.) ran against him just for giggles. I've studied Frelinghuysen's voting record (Open Congress - see link to the left of page) and we are lucky in that Morris County has a congressman who actually shows up for work and does his job. He votes for resolutions supporting Big Pharma, which he should, since half of Morris County is employed by Big Pharma and would like to remain employed so that they are able to vote for Frelinghuysen in the next election. He has bucks in a Trust Fund so he is less likely to be bribed - I mean solicit campaign contributions for "favors." (Congressmen need to divulge their financial information on an annual basis to avoid any appearance of impropriety and my natural inquisitiveness (read: nosiness) had me downloading disclosure ASAP. He is a classic representative of the county he was chosen to represent. (Let's all repeat after me: Morris County, New Jersey, third highest income per capita of any county in the United States.)
Basically, if he wasn't married, he'd be the perfect man to date my ridiculously athletic, Republican mother.
(Except that Mother is traumatized by a recent divorce and has taken to carrying pepper spray to avoid eye contact with would-be suitors. Special apologies to the gentleman on the train with the unfortunate pick-up line whom she thoroughly maced when he queried her for her astrological sign. P.S. Thank you so much for not pressing charges...)
I wish that more news outlets would have picked up this story since it would have mitigated the Court TV debacle concerning the Morristown Nurse (I am referring to the Morristown nurse found guilty in Middlesex County (New Brunswick) for allegedly knocking out her husband and then performing a slice and dice on his remains, prior to re-packaging him into a set of matching luggage.) So kudos to you, Dirty Rodney, I may actually vote for you in the next election (if you are running unopposed again because I AM a Democrat.)
Representative Frelinghuysen, who is a sprightly sixtyish type of gentleman and radiates class the way only denizens of Morris County with large trust funds can, chased the mugger down.
That's right, he chased the mugger down.
Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
FRELINGHUYSEN!
Can you dig it?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
FRELINGHUYSEN!
Right On!
They say this cat Frelinghuysen is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Frelinghuysen.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
(Hmmm...Loses something in Translation. Theme from SHAFT, Lyrics by Isaac Hayes)
Now, I am a non-sprightly late-thirtyish type of person with the kind of body mass that can crush an itinerant teenager's spine should I choose to sit on him. (Of course, you have to keep the muggers still for that.) What has "Dirty Rodney" been imbibing so he has the stamina and push to CHASE DOWN A 19 YEAR OLD? Is this something they train you for in "Congressman Class"? Living in D.C.: Mugger Bashing 101? Is Karl Rove teaching self-defense classes for Republicans who may be waylaid in the back hallways of the Capitol by bands of rabid Democrats brandishing snarky amendments to House Resolutions?
Rep. Frelinghuysen (which is SO difficult to spell) has been a Congressman for FOURTEEN years (seven terms) and usually runs unopposed although this year Tom Wyka (Dem.) ran against him just for giggles. I've studied Frelinghuysen's voting record (Open Congress - see link to the left of page) and we are lucky in that Morris County has a congressman who actually shows up for work and does his job. He votes for resolutions supporting Big Pharma, which he should, since half of Morris County is employed by Big Pharma and would like to remain employed so that they are able to vote for Frelinghuysen in the next election. He has bucks in a Trust Fund so he is less likely to be bribed - I mean solicit campaign contributions for "favors." (Congressmen need to divulge their financial information on an annual basis to avoid any appearance of impropriety and my natural inquisitiveness (read: nosiness) had me downloading disclosure ASAP. He is a classic representative of the county he was chosen to represent. (Let's all repeat after me: Morris County, New Jersey, third highest income per capita of any county in the United States.)
Basically, if he wasn't married, he'd be the perfect man to date my ridiculously athletic, Republican mother.
(Except that Mother is traumatized by a recent divorce and has taken to carrying pepper spray to avoid eye contact with would-be suitors. Special apologies to the gentleman on the train with the unfortunate pick-up line whom she thoroughly maced when he queried her for her astrological sign. P.S. Thank you so much for not pressing charges...)
I wish that more news outlets would have picked up this story since it would have mitigated the Court TV debacle concerning the Morristown Nurse (I am referring to the Morristown nurse found guilty in Middlesex County (New Brunswick) for allegedly knocking out her husband and then performing a slice and dice on his remains, prior to re-packaging him into a set of matching luggage.) So kudos to you, Dirty Rodney, I may actually vote for you in the next election (if you are running unopposed again because I AM a Democrat.)
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Social Security Death Database - Or, How to Find Your Missing (or Possibly Dead) Relatives
http://www.genesearch.com/socialsecurity.html
While I'm sure that many of my fellow Morris County (third highest income per capita of any county in the United States) residents have stable families where all members are accounted for, indeed venerated and celebrated at family functions, gatherings and reunions, there is always one "black sheep" or "prodigal son" in every family.
Preferably, these members can be shipped a great distance away from Morris County in order to keep the per capita income figure at a comfortably high level for the rest of us (note: this is sarcasm...)
Every family has a member who "loves alcohol and/or illicit substances just a bit too much" or who "needs some space in order to investigate the modification of his girlfriend's mobile home into a meth lab" or who "slapped his wife around one too many times and finally broke her arm so you hired her a lawyer and hid her and the kids out in your basement until he came by and you had to call the police and buy a .44 for protection." The players always change but the stories remain the same.
Naturally, we all want to distance ourselves (and our imaginary children) from those who may wield such undue negative influence upon our nearest and dearest.
After the ninth intervention doesn't take and the fifth rehab fails to quash the user's addictive rages there remains only one alternative - walk away and close the door. It is also acceptable to hope that your loved one hits bottom and rescues himself from the stygian depths of hell because you obviously have no impact upon them whatsoever.
I know it sounds cruel, however, those of you who have some personal knowledge of the topic will nod your heads vigorously. There comes a time when the sanctity of your family is tested vs. the self-destructiveness of the addict and it is okay to pick your family first.
One of my imaginary relatives (Jane) lost her mother to Smirnoff and Absolut. Her father was awarded custody of her after a monumental court battle which involved the disbursement of half of her college fund to her father's attorneys and the other half to her mother as a bribe to leave her alone (this is not as mean as it sounds, the mother either vanished for weeks at a time or showed up at Jane's school completely plastered). After the pay-off, Jane's mother disappeared and was never heard from again. Rumor had it that she ended up in Los Angeles, but that is like a parent saying, "we gave away your old dog to this lovely farm upstate..."
Common wisdom would dictate a shabby death shortly after the divorce but this woman was a stellar example of the French paradox. Jane's mom had embalmed her internal organs to such a degree that she outlived all of Jane's other biological relatives.
While ironic, it was actually a bit of good news as Jane has had a baby at the age of 49 and is hoping to be able to attend at least his highschool, if not college, graduation if she can manage to live that long. After preparing a suitable estate plan in case the inevitable happens sooner than she hopes it does, she began to wonder about her mother's life span vis a vis her own. How old was her mother when she died and where had she died?
However, with no contact for 43 years, how do you find out if your missing relative is dead and at what age he/she passed away? Enter our friend, the internet.
The U.S. government was forced to implement the SSDI (Social Security Death Index) in the 80's as a result of an FOIA (Freedom of Information Act - lots of acronyms in our government) lawsuit. Although the federal government updates the database to ensure that government benefits aren't paid out to the deceased and credit card companies license it to ensure that the deceased aren't granted credit cards, it is not made available to the general public except through the genealogy sites that license it. These sites are also not always up to date and can be months behind so caveat emptor. i.e. Don't blame me if your relative dies in January but cannot be found until spring because Frankie in the Missouri Social Security office was on maternity leave and the database was not updated with the info until she returned because the temp was a lazy, useless ass.
Okay. If you are mentally ready to do this, take a few deep breaths and maybe find a loved one to be on the phone with or for some hand holding. Once again, think about this, do you really want to know? This can be painful. I found my father this way and it would have been rather more intelligent had I left the office BEFORE I did the internet search. My colleagues were not impressed by my wailing and I regretted not having a cognac nearby. Okay, ready? Here goes:
Copy and paste this into your web browser:
http://www.genesearch.com/socialsecurity.html
Use one of the "free" sites. I am not listing specific sites because one or more may be unresponsive. I liked the New England research site, but you can try them all. Some were updated more recently than others but it is all from the same database.
Type as much information as you know. You can type in social security number and/or last name if you know it. My father has an uncommon name so I only typed in that and found him. Jane's mother was researchable because her father and mother had received their cards at the same time and their digits were one apart from another. Jane was happy to discover that her alcoholic mother had died at the wizened old age of 85. With good behavior, Jane may be able to reach 100 and attend her son's fourth wedding!
Good luck in your search and please feel free to ask me questions via the moderated comments.
In my next post, I will relate the tale of how I had to dig my father up and how he is now safely in my basement until I figure out what to do with him...umm, I should probably add that he was professionally cremated, so please don't worry, he is not in my freezer or anything...
While I'm sure that many of my fellow Morris County (third highest income per capita of any county in the United States) residents have stable families where all members are accounted for, indeed venerated and celebrated at family functions, gatherings and reunions, there is always one "black sheep" or "prodigal son" in every family.
Preferably, these members can be shipped a great distance away from Morris County in order to keep the per capita income figure at a comfortably high level for the rest of us (note: this is sarcasm...)
Every family has a member who "loves alcohol and/or illicit substances just a bit too much" or who "needs some space in order to investigate the modification of his girlfriend's mobile home into a meth lab" or who "slapped his wife around one too many times and finally broke her arm so you hired her a lawyer and hid her and the kids out in your basement until he came by and you had to call the police and buy a .44 for protection." The players always change but the stories remain the same.
Naturally, we all want to distance ourselves (and our imaginary children) from those who may wield such undue negative influence upon our nearest and dearest.
After the ninth intervention doesn't take and the fifth rehab fails to quash the user's addictive rages there remains only one alternative - walk away and close the door. It is also acceptable to hope that your loved one hits bottom and rescues himself from the stygian depths of hell because you obviously have no impact upon them whatsoever.
I know it sounds cruel, however, those of you who have some personal knowledge of the topic will nod your heads vigorously. There comes a time when the sanctity of your family is tested vs. the self-destructiveness of the addict and it is okay to pick your family first.
One of my imaginary relatives (Jane) lost her mother to Smirnoff and Absolut. Her father was awarded custody of her after a monumental court battle which involved the disbursement of half of her college fund to her father's attorneys and the other half to her mother as a bribe to leave her alone (this is not as mean as it sounds, the mother either vanished for weeks at a time or showed up at Jane's school completely plastered). After the pay-off, Jane's mother disappeared and was never heard from again. Rumor had it that she ended up in Los Angeles, but that is like a parent saying, "we gave away your old dog to this lovely farm upstate..."
Common wisdom would dictate a shabby death shortly after the divorce but this woman was a stellar example of the French paradox. Jane's mom had embalmed her internal organs to such a degree that she outlived all of Jane's other biological relatives.
While ironic, it was actually a bit of good news as Jane has had a baby at the age of 49 and is hoping to be able to attend at least his highschool, if not college, graduation if she can manage to live that long. After preparing a suitable estate plan in case the inevitable happens sooner than she hopes it does, she began to wonder about her mother's life span vis a vis her own. How old was her mother when she died and where had she died?
However, with no contact for 43 years, how do you find out if your missing relative is dead and at what age he/she passed away? Enter our friend, the internet.
The U.S. government was forced to implement the SSDI (Social Security Death Index) in the 80's as a result of an FOIA (Freedom of Information Act - lots of acronyms in our government) lawsuit. Although the federal government updates the database to ensure that government benefits aren't paid out to the deceased and credit card companies license it to ensure that the deceased aren't granted credit cards, it is not made available to the general public except through the genealogy sites that license it. These sites are also not always up to date and can be months behind so caveat emptor. i.e. Don't blame me if your relative dies in January but cannot be found until spring because Frankie in the Missouri Social Security office was on maternity leave and the database was not updated with the info until she returned because the temp was a lazy, useless ass.
Okay. If you are mentally ready to do this, take a few deep breaths and maybe find a loved one to be on the phone with or for some hand holding. Once again, think about this, do you really want to know? This can be painful. I found my father this way and it would have been rather more intelligent had I left the office BEFORE I did the internet search. My colleagues were not impressed by my wailing and I regretted not having a cognac nearby. Okay, ready? Here goes:
Copy and paste this into your web browser:
http://www.genesearch.com/socialsecurity.html
Use one of the "free" sites. I am not listing specific sites because one or more may be unresponsive. I liked the New England research site, but you can try them all. Some were updated more recently than others but it is all from the same database.
Type as much information as you know. You can type in social security number and/or last name if you know it. My father has an uncommon name so I only typed in that and found him. Jane's mother was researchable because her father and mother had received their cards at the same time and their digits were one apart from another. Jane was happy to discover that her alcoholic mother had died at the wizened old age of 85. With good behavior, Jane may be able to reach 100 and attend her son's fourth wedding!
Good luck in your search and please feel free to ask me questions via the moderated comments.
In my next post, I will relate the tale of how I had to dig my father up and how he is now safely in my basement until I figure out what to do with him...umm, I should probably add that he was professionally cremated, so please don't worry, he is not in my freezer or anything...
Friday, April 27, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Morristown Nurse Found Guilty of Murder
The story in the Daily Record is pretty self-explanatory.
Since the jury has decided, I'm not going to make any commentary except (ah hah!) for one thing: How come they found no trace evidence of her husband's dismemberment in the townhouse? No one is THAT GOOD a housekeeper. Okay, maybe she did chop him up somewhere else, but even a nurse would be squeamish quartering her husband into three different suitcases. Plus, a 115 pound nurse in a fertility clinic knowing how to butcher a 200 pound man?? She's not a surgery nurse, she's practically OBY/GYN. I don't know, I have reasonable doubt. Fortunately for the prosecutors, I was not in the jury pool!
It is amazing how much work goes into prosecutions. The prosecutors had about two days off in the past six months. Kudos to them, if Melanie M. did kill her husband, than the Deputy Attorney General and Associate Attorney General succeeded in making a mound of circumstantial evidence take shape in order to convict the nurse. I was laughing when I read the following paragraph concerning the lead prosecutor:
"For the first time since the trial began on March 5, Prezioso was not dressed in black. Asked whether dressing in green was because she had a premonition that the jury would render a guilty verdict on the murder charge, Prezioso said no. "I was behind on my dry-cleaning," she explained." Daily Record, April 24, 2007
She and I have the same attitude concerning office attire. You know you are dressed appropriately when you can attend a funeral after work without having to change. I think we must have been separated at birth!
Since the jury has decided, I'm not going to make any commentary except (ah hah!) for one thing: How come they found no trace evidence of her husband's dismemberment in the townhouse? No one is THAT GOOD a housekeeper. Okay, maybe she did chop him up somewhere else, but even a nurse would be squeamish quartering her husband into three different suitcases. Plus, a 115 pound nurse in a fertility clinic knowing how to butcher a 200 pound man?? She's not a surgery nurse, she's practically OBY/GYN. I don't know, I have reasonable doubt. Fortunately for the prosecutors, I was not in the jury pool!
It is amazing how much work goes into prosecutions. The prosecutors had about two days off in the past six months. Kudos to them, if Melanie M. did kill her husband, than the Deputy Attorney General and Associate Attorney General succeeded in making a mound of circumstantial evidence take shape in order to convict the nurse. I was laughing when I read the following paragraph concerning the lead prosecutor:
"For the first time since the trial began on March 5, Prezioso was not dressed in black. Asked whether dressing in green was because she had a premonition that the jury would render a guilty verdict on the murder charge, Prezioso said no. "I was behind on my dry-cleaning," she explained." Daily Record, April 24, 2007
She and I have the same attitude concerning office attire. You know you are dressed appropriately when you can attend a funeral after work without having to change. I think we must have been separated at birth!
Friday, April 13, 2007
In Defense of Grindhouse - The Movie
Last weekend, I was looking for something interesting to do for the weekend. My husband looked at me guiltily and mentioned, "Um, I'd kind of like to see Grindhouse..." (wince).
"Ah," I said, " you mean Grindhouse, the double feature with large swaths of uncovered Rose McGowan?"
"Uh huh... If that's okay with you..."
"You mean the movie where she pole-dances like a stripper for the first ten minutes and then fights zombies while she's partially clad for the remaining 40 minutes?"
"Uh yeah..."
"Sure, it's cost effective, we get TWO MOVIES (Planet Terror and Deathproof) for the price of ONE!"
I LOVED GRINDHOUSE - and I'm a woman! This movie is best viewed in theatres in that it is more of a "movie-viewing experience" than an actual movie. The best part of the movie are the pseudo-trailers that bookend the first "Zombie Movie", Planet Terror. Check this link for times that Grindhouse is shown at Loews.
"Ah," I said, " you mean Grindhouse, the double feature with large swaths of uncovered Rose McGowan?"
"Uh huh... If that's okay with you..."
"You mean the movie where she pole-dances like a stripper for the first ten minutes and then fights zombies while she's partially clad for the remaining 40 minutes?"
"Uh yeah..."
"Sure, it's cost effective, we get TWO MOVIES (Planet Terror and Deathproof) for the price of ONE!"
I LOVED GRINDHOUSE - and I'm a woman! This movie is best viewed in theatres in that it is more of a "movie-viewing experience" than an actual movie. The best part of the movie are the pseudo-trailers that bookend the first "Zombie Movie", Planet Terror. Check this link for times that Grindhouse is shown at Loews.
Bizarre New Jersey
So... what's been going on in Jersey this week? Let's say a flying saucer whisked me away last week to the home planet and beamed me back this morning.
I check out the internet:
Our governor, John Corzine, was in a car accident last night on the Parkway. Bonus points to Corzine for neglecting to wear a seatbelt and demonstrating (once again) to the citizens of New Jersey why we have New Jersey’s Seat Belt Law (NJS 39:3-76.2f) on the books. A short rundown of this law:
We all wish Governor Corzine a speedy recovery and hope that he can be taken off of the ventilator soon.
Acting Governor Codey requests that families and churches in New Jersey (except for those heathen atheists among us) pray for his recovery this weekend. Those heathen, non-praying, atheists among us are requested to sacrifice a small animal no smaller than a squirrel but no larger than a chicken for the Governor's recovery.
Don Imus has been summarily fired by WFAN and MSNBC after his remarks in regard to the Rutgers Basketball Cinderellas. However, Imus' career will regenerate itself and like a gray-haired septugenarian cockroach, he will overcome the detritus of his remarks to regain some sort of "elder statesman status" by this time next year. Look for this magical regeneration to occur some time around St. Patrick's Day perhaps in conjunction with a rehab stay. In the meantime he will write a million dollar, best-selling, memoir and show up on Larry King full of piss and vinegar.
In the meantime, idiots are still sending hate mail to the Rutgers Basketball Coach.
As a former teacher, I'd like to give one quick lesson to all those white boyz/girlz out there. Your parents didn't feel they needed to mention this in a post civil-rights society, but since most suburban, white 80's/90's babies bought millions of rap CDs, wore oversized pants whose crotches grazed their knees and attended many concerts headlined by black gangsta culture afficionados/rappers, etc. you need to hear this.
IF YOU ARE NOT BLACK, IT IS NOT COOL TO CALL BLACK PEOPLE RACIST NAMES. I know Snoop Dog, Nelly, ODB, Kanye West etc. use that language BUT if you are NOT BLACK you DO NOT USE THE LANGUAGE.
Sure, I listen to Kanye West's "Gold Digger" (the "Explicit" iTunes version which drops the N-bomb about 200 times) in the New York City subway. ie. "Now I ain't saying she's a Gold Digger, but she ain't playin' with no broke (N-bomb plural)." As a conservative-looking 39 year-old white woman in a cashmere twin-set and pearls, that garners me alot of surprised glances from people who have the misfortune to sit next to me and overhear my iPod selections. However, when I catch the eye of the black Grandmother from the Abyssinian Baptist Church in Harlem, I immediately apologize and switch over to Justin Timberlake's SexyBack (or some other "Harmless White Song With Too Much Synthesizer").
The N-bomb, while enjoyable for Kanye West to use over and over (and over) again - given that he is a post civil-rights baby - still stings the Grandmother. Yes, it still stings, even though this is a rap song sung by a black, former college student who has made millions of dollars off of this song (and that word). Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are not black, you do not use the N-Bomb and you do not refer to black women with terminology used by black rappers. Yes, you have freedom of speech. Yes, you have license to say anything that you want. However, that will not protect you from the beat down that will be visited upon you by black, white, yellow and beige people who recognize that you are just hiding behind the First Amendment as a cover for overt hate language and inveterate racism.
White parents, it is your responsibility to teach the proper utilization of language and racial respect to your children. My nephew is black. I do not want him to grow up afraid to make something of his life because he doesn't want to be targeted by some shock-jock hiding behind the First Amendment to conceal inveterate hate language. Someday, your grandchildren or great-grandchildren or great-great grandchildren could be black or beige or yellow. Do you really want them to be subject to this kind of racist commentary? Let's end this bullshit now.
I check out the internet:
Our governor, John Corzine, was in a car accident last night on the Parkway. Bonus points to Corzine for neglecting to wear a seatbelt and demonstrating (once again) to the citizens of New Jersey why we have New Jersey’s Seat Belt Law (NJS 39:3-76.2f) on the books. A short rundown of this law:
- Applies to all passenger vehicles including vans, pickup trucks and SUVs, that are required to be equipped with seat belts.
- Applies to all passengers, who are at least 8 years of age but less than 18 years of age, and each driver and front seat passenger of a passenger automobile, operated on a street or highway. All occupants are required to wear a properly adjusted and fastened seat belt system.
- Makes the driver responsible for proper seat beltuse by all occupants who are under the age of 18.
We all wish Governor Corzine a speedy recovery and hope that he can be taken off of the ventilator soon.
Acting Governor Codey requests that families and churches in New Jersey (except for those heathen atheists among us) pray for his recovery this weekend. Those heathen, non-praying, atheists among us are requested to sacrifice a small animal no smaller than a squirrel but no larger than a chicken for the Governor's recovery.
Don Imus has been summarily fired by WFAN and MSNBC after his remarks in regard to the Rutgers Basketball Cinderellas. However, Imus' career will regenerate itself and like a gray-haired septugenarian cockroach, he will overcome the detritus of his remarks to regain some sort of "elder statesman status" by this time next year. Look for this magical regeneration to occur some time around St. Patrick's Day perhaps in conjunction with a rehab stay. In the meantime he will write a million dollar, best-selling, memoir and show up on Larry King full of piss and vinegar.
In the meantime, idiots are still sending hate mail to the Rutgers Basketball Coach.
As a former teacher, I'd like to give one quick lesson to all those white boyz/girlz out there. Your parents didn't feel they needed to mention this in a post civil-rights society, but since most suburban, white 80's/90's babies bought millions of rap CDs, wore oversized pants whose crotches grazed their knees and attended many concerts headlined by black gangsta culture afficionados/rappers, etc. you need to hear this.
IF YOU ARE NOT BLACK, IT IS NOT COOL TO CALL BLACK PEOPLE RACIST NAMES. I know Snoop Dog, Nelly, ODB, Kanye West etc. use that language BUT if you are NOT BLACK you DO NOT USE THE LANGUAGE.
Sure, I listen to Kanye West's "Gold Digger" (the "Explicit" iTunes version which drops the N-bomb about 200 times) in the New York City subway. ie. "Now I ain't saying she's a Gold Digger, but she ain't playin' with no broke (N-bomb plural)." As a conservative-looking 39 year-old white woman in a cashmere twin-set and pearls, that garners me alot of surprised glances from people who have the misfortune to sit next to me and overhear my iPod selections. However, when I catch the eye of the black Grandmother from the Abyssinian Baptist Church in Harlem, I immediately apologize and switch over to Justin Timberlake's SexyBack (or some other "Harmless White Song With Too Much Synthesizer").
The N-bomb, while enjoyable for Kanye West to use over and over (and over) again - given that he is a post civil-rights baby - still stings the Grandmother. Yes, it still stings, even though this is a rap song sung by a black, former college student who has made millions of dollars off of this song (and that word). Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are not black, you do not use the N-Bomb and you do not refer to black women with terminology used by black rappers. Yes, you have freedom of speech. Yes, you have license to say anything that you want. However, that will not protect you from the beat down that will be visited upon you by black, white, yellow and beige people who recognize that you are just hiding behind the First Amendment as a cover for overt hate language and inveterate racism.
White parents, it is your responsibility to teach the proper utilization of language and racial respect to your children. My nephew is black. I do not want him to grow up afraid to make something of his life because he doesn't want to be targeted by some shock-jock hiding behind the First Amendment to conceal inveterate hate language. Someday, your grandchildren or great-grandchildren or great-great grandchildren could be black or beige or yellow. Do you really want them to be subject to this kind of racist commentary? Let's end this bullshit now.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
How to Be a Second Generation Slovenian-American
I'm German-American/Czech-American and my brother and sister are German -American/Hungarian-American. When I read this on "The Glory of Carniola Blog" (Slovenian Blog), I almost split my sides laughing because MANY of the items are extremely accurate when pertaining to second generation Americans of Eastern (and European) ancestry.
For example, who will ever forget Eliza-the-Obsessively-Perfect's father and I chugging Slivovich at Christmas? How can we forget about Hurka in all of it's glorious liver, blood and intestinal manifestations? Remember he pilgrimages to the Hungarian butcher (Toth's) in New Brunswick which were part biology lessons part gourmand offal tours? How can we forget getting dragged out of bed every Saturday morning, at the crack of dawn, to conjugate verbs of illegitimate germanic descent. As for my brother and sister, ten years of enforced Hungarian folk dancing school, and they groove to an accordian at the slightest provocation. Very funny!
From: http://www.carniola.org/2007/04/35-facts-about-slovenes.htm
Here they are:
1. Slivovica cures everything from a stomachache to paper cuts.
2. You are well acquainted with “sarma” (cabbage rolls)
3. You eat everything with “ajvar” (eggplant spread)
4. Your profanity consists of Croatian and Serbian phrases because Slovenija is too pure to have swear words. (Substitute any neighboring country of Hungary and Germany for Croatian and Serbian)
5. There is nothing gross about blood sausages (krvavice). (or Hurka!)
6. Drinking with your parents is normal. (and encouraged - especially when you are buying!)
7. Your relatives, especially in Slovenija, do not believe in opening the car windows on a sweltering hot day because of “prepih” (drafts).
8. When outside of Slovenia, you fight an irresistible urge to kiss the person you’ve just shaken hands with. (it is still embarassing when I lunge after my non-European friends post-handshake and plant one on them - it was drilled into us every Sunday to do this when meeting fellow Church members)
9. You’re not allowed to leave the house with damp hair because you’re going to become bolan(a) (sick).
10. You have to wear copate (slippers) around the house, even if you have carpeting and it is 95 degrees outside. (My mother still insists upon this)
11. Your family makes their own vino, medica, or Slivovica. (We made wine in our basement - in freaking New Jersey!)
12. You never got to sleep in on Saturday because you had Slovenska Sola (Slovenian School)
(...or German School)
13. Mami is always making you eat.
14. You know how to dance polka and you’re proud of it.
15. Someone in your family can play buttonbox or accordion and is always bothering you to learn. (Our family comes from the one tiny town in Germany that actually makes the damn things so we have 20 in our attic)
16. You’ll still drink Cockta to please your family in Slovenija even though it makes you sick to your stomach (their version of Coca-Cola) (we had Almdudler - Austrian Soda)
17. English verbs are acceptable if used with the ending “-ati”, which makes them Slovenian: “play-ati”, “study-ati”, “clean-ati”, or the best one “walk-ati” - pronounced: vakati!
18. At the age of 13 you are only allowed to go out of town with your friends for folklore festivals, drinking binges, and dances.
19. Your parents were at the party where you first got drunk and maybe even offered you a drink. (We call that "Christmas," "Easter," and "Thanksgiving")
20. Then they waited until the ride home to beat the crap out of you for getting drunk and embarrassing them.
21. The majority of your friends are also your relatives, even if they aren’t your relatives; because you refer to their parents as “teta” and “stric“. (aunt and uncle)
21. “Kuhovnice” (wooden spoons) are not only used for stirring when cooking… they are also used by mami to beat you when there is no “Siba” (stick) handy.. (So true, nowadays, I'd be able to call NJ DYFS)
22. At least once you’ve told your parents that you’ll call the police to report “child abuse” and your parents said “Ja! Samo probaj…” (just try!)
23. Lunch on Sundays has more courses than Amerikanci have for Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner.
24. Your 13 year old sister can out-drink any Amerikan’c or Irishman. (and still does)
25. You love “Golaz”, (beef stew) but don’t like bringing it to school or work for lunch because you’d be embarrassed if someone asked you what it was.
26. Vegetarianism is not a concept your parents understand. (Meat is more than a food group - it is a lifestyle)
27. All other action stops when you hear people speaking Croatian or Serbian somewhere. (shrug - I have no frame of reference here.)
28. You smell garlic or alcohol on the old man’s breath behind you sitting on the pew in church on Sunday mornings. (we went to St. Ladislaus-nuff said)
29. You never got the “Birds and the Bees” talk from mami or ati when growing up.
30. You are only allowed to vacation in the homeland for a minimum of 4 weeks.
31. Your relatives alone can populate a small city. (and still do, in several different countries)
32. You’ve worked in the “Stale” (barn) at your relatives house in Slovenia and the cow smell didn’t even bother you. (we worked at the expatriated family lodge in the Catskills)
33. (left blank)
34. You think mixing Coke and red wine (bambus) is an extremely tasty drink. (Germans and Hungarians drink mighty weird things, let me tell you...)
35. You’re still laughing your ritka off because you know every single one of these are true.
For example, who will ever forget Eliza-the-Obsessively-Perfect's father and I chugging Slivovich at Christmas? How can we forget about Hurka in all of it's glorious liver, blood and intestinal manifestations? Remember he pilgrimages to the Hungarian butcher (Toth's) in New Brunswick which were part biology lessons part gourmand offal tours? How can we forget getting dragged out of bed every Saturday morning, at the crack of dawn, to conjugate verbs of illegitimate germanic descent. As for my brother and sister, ten years of enforced Hungarian folk dancing school, and they groove to an accordian at the slightest provocation. Very funny!
From: http://www.carniola.org/2007/04/35-facts-about-slovenes.htm
Here they are:
1. Slivovica cures everything from a stomachache to paper cuts.
2. You are well acquainted with “sarma” (cabbage rolls)
3. You eat everything with “ajvar” (eggplant spread)
4. Your profanity consists of Croatian and Serbian phrases because Slovenija is too pure to have swear words. (Substitute any neighboring country of Hungary and Germany for Croatian and Serbian)
5. There is nothing gross about blood sausages (krvavice). (or Hurka!)
6. Drinking with your parents is normal. (and encouraged - especially when you are buying!)
7. Your relatives, especially in Slovenija, do not believe in opening the car windows on a sweltering hot day because of “prepih” (drafts).
8. When outside of Slovenia, you fight an irresistible urge to kiss the person you’ve just shaken hands with. (it is still embarassing when I lunge after my non-European friends post-handshake and plant one on them - it was drilled into us every Sunday to do this when meeting fellow Church members)
9. You’re not allowed to leave the house with damp hair because you’re going to become bolan(a) (sick).
10. You have to wear copate (slippers) around the house, even if you have carpeting and it is 95 degrees outside. (My mother still insists upon this)
11. Your family makes their own vino, medica, or Slivovica. (We made wine in our basement - in freaking New Jersey!)
12. You never got to sleep in on Saturday because you had Slovenska Sola (Slovenian School)
(...or German School)
13. Mami is always making you eat.
14. You know how to dance polka and you’re proud of it.
15. Someone in your family can play buttonbox or accordion and is always bothering you to learn. (Our family comes from the one tiny town in Germany that actually makes the damn things so we have 20 in our attic)
16. You’ll still drink Cockta to please your family in Slovenija even though it makes you sick to your stomach (their version of Coca-Cola) (we had Almdudler - Austrian Soda)
17. English verbs are acceptable if used with the ending “-ati”, which makes them Slovenian: “play-ati”, “study-ati”, “clean-ati”, or the best one “walk-ati” - pronounced: vakati!
18. At the age of 13 you are only allowed to go out of town with your friends for folklore festivals, drinking binges, and dances.
19. Your parents were at the party where you first got drunk and maybe even offered you a drink. (We call that "Christmas," "Easter," and "Thanksgiving")
20. Then they waited until the ride home to beat the crap out of you for getting drunk and embarrassing them.
21. The majority of your friends are also your relatives, even if they aren’t your relatives; because you refer to their parents as “teta” and “stric“. (aunt and uncle)
21. “Kuhovnice” (wooden spoons) are not only used for stirring when cooking… they are also used by mami to beat you when there is no “Siba” (stick) handy.. (So true, nowadays, I'd be able to call NJ DYFS)
22. At least once you’ve told your parents that you’ll call the police to report “child abuse” and your parents said “Ja! Samo probaj…” (just try!)
23. Lunch on Sundays has more courses than Amerikanci have for Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner.
24. Your 13 year old sister can out-drink any Amerikan’c or Irishman. (and still does)
25. You love “Golaz”, (beef stew) but don’t like bringing it to school or work for lunch because you’d be embarrassed if someone asked you what it was.
26. Vegetarianism is not a concept your parents understand. (Meat is more than a food group - it is a lifestyle)
27. All other action stops when you hear people speaking Croatian or Serbian somewhere. (shrug - I have no frame of reference here.)
28. You smell garlic or alcohol on the old man’s breath behind you sitting on the pew in church on Sunday mornings. (we went to St. Ladislaus-nuff said)
29. You never got the “Birds and the Bees” talk from mami or ati when growing up.
30. You are only allowed to vacation in the homeland for a minimum of 4 weeks.
31. Your relatives alone can populate a small city. (and still do, in several different countries)
32. You’ve worked in the “Stale” (barn) at your relatives house in Slovenia and the cow smell didn’t even bother you. (we worked at the expatriated family lodge in the Catskills)
33. (left blank)
34. You think mixing Coke and red wine (bambus) is an extremely tasty drink. (Germans and Hungarians drink mighty weird things, let me tell you...)
35. You’re still laughing your ritka off because you know every single one of these are true.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
More Money Than Sense?
Luxist is a blog that presents affordable and unaffordable luxuries. In addition to the Chappaqua Estate of the Day and the ugly, unaffordable watch of the month, Luxist highlights unintentionally humerous products which some of the noveau riche may actually purchase. Enter the latest Theo Fennell's sterling silver condiment sleeves and lids
Imagine that Bitsy is having the Board of Directors and General Counsel of MegaConGlom over for dinner and suddenly realizes, "Gracious, how CHAV, I cannot possibly serve my Heinz 51 ketchup unadorned on the table without a sterling silver ketchup sleeve and cap! Why the fingerbowls will absolutely clash with the tacky red color of the tomato ketchup! Quelle Horreur!"
Since we do live in the county with the third highest income per capita in the U.S., I'm sure that this actual conversation has taken place in a Bernardsville home or two. Ok, 900 British pounds only picks up the ketchup sleeve and cap, that, my dears, is $1,771.65 in real money! Egads!
Friday, March 30, 2007
How NOT To Commit Murder
Note to Self: When planning the homocide of my imaginary husband, do not search Google.com for Murderous Tips like the Morristown nurse currently on trial...
It is always embarassing when one of our Morris County neighbors or colleagues manages to secure bad press through some misguided criminal action which is immediately jumped upon by the press and reflects badly upon the rest of the law-abiding citizenry.
I am referring to the Morristown nurse currently on trial in Middlesex County (New Brunswick) for allegedly knocking out her husband and then performing a slice and dice on his remains, prior to re-packaging him into a set of matching luggage.
It is difficult to explain to your mother-in-law why your choice in housing was a good one when exploits like these are picked up and broadcast to the general public via Court TV.
Although Morris County ranks 3rd among the highest-income counties in the United States by median household income, and 10th by per capita income (Source: Wikipedia) this does not translate into an increase in accompanying cerebral capacity. (Although it should, judging from the ridiculous property taxes that I pay into our school system...)
While I admit that I did not know all Google searches were cached (stored) on my hard drive, it does make sense. What also makes sense is that if I have murderous intent on say, my sister, Eliza-the-Obsessively-Perfect (EtOP), which I don't but for the sake of argument, let's say I do. I am NOT NOT NOT NOT going to perform a search on Google for the following topics: "how to commit murder" and "undetectable poisons." In the nurse's trial, a former state police computer examiner, testified that a computer she had access to was used to do research on poisons, guns and murder in the weeks leading up to her husband's disappearance. Whether the nurse herself did the research is for a jury to decide. Unfortunately, and this has kept my husband alive for many years now, where murder is concerned, statistically, the spouse is always the most viable suspect. Between 1976 and 2004, 41,772 people were murdered by their spouses.
How depressing!
More information on the trial is here.
Bonus Question: Did the nurse write this "anonymous letter" sent to the prosecutor's office or was someone else watching too many episodes of the Sopranos? Hmmm...
Bonus Bonus: Court TV has a new series hosted by twisted B-movie king, John Waters. John Waters has directed some of the most bizarre fims including "Pink Flamingos." In this eerie series, "Til Death do us Part" (to Love, Honor and Perish), he plays the "Groom Reaper" who harvests the Groom or Bride shown grinning like maniacs on their wedding day. What an exemplar of modern schadenfreude attuned to the baser instincts of humanity. I know I'll be watching!
It is always embarassing when one of our Morris County neighbors or colleagues manages to secure bad press through some misguided criminal action which is immediately jumped upon by the press and reflects badly upon the rest of the law-abiding citizenry.
I am referring to the Morristown nurse currently on trial in Middlesex County (New Brunswick) for allegedly knocking out her husband and then performing a slice and dice on his remains, prior to re-packaging him into a set of matching luggage.
It is difficult to explain to your mother-in-law why your choice in housing was a good one when exploits like these are picked up and broadcast to the general public via Court TV.
Although Morris County ranks 3rd among the highest-income counties in the United States by median household income, and 10th by per capita income (Source: Wikipedia) this does not translate into an increase in accompanying cerebral capacity. (Although it should, judging from the ridiculous property taxes that I pay into our school system...)
While I admit that I did not know all Google searches were cached (stored) on my hard drive, it does make sense. What also makes sense is that if I have murderous intent on say, my sister, Eliza-the-Obsessively-Perfect (EtOP), which I don't but for the sake of argument, let's say I do. I am NOT NOT NOT NOT going to perform a search on Google for the following topics: "how to commit murder" and "undetectable poisons." In the nurse's trial, a former state police computer examiner, testified that a computer she had access to was used to do research on poisons, guns and murder in the weeks leading up to her husband's disappearance. Whether the nurse herself did the research is for a jury to decide. Unfortunately, and this has kept my husband alive for many years now, where murder is concerned, statistically, the spouse is always the most viable suspect. Between 1976 and 2004, 41,772 people were murdered by their spouses.
How depressing!
More information on the trial is here.
Bonus Question: Did the nurse write this "anonymous letter" sent to the prosecutor's office or was someone else watching too many episodes of the Sopranos? Hmmm...
Bonus Bonus: Court TV has a new series hosted by twisted B-movie king, John Waters. John Waters has directed some of the most bizarre fims including "Pink Flamingos." In this eerie series, "Til Death do us Part" (to Love, Honor and Perish), he plays the "Groom Reaper" who harvests the Groom or Bride shown grinning like maniacs on their wedding day. What an exemplar of modern schadenfreude attuned to the baser instincts of humanity. I know I'll be watching!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Ashley Jacobsen Bunny from ETSY.com
I just wanted to show off an ETSY (Handmade) purchase that I just received. This was printed on canvas paper by Ashley White Jacobsen. It's perfect! Next up, a Squirrel Haiku Zine!
A copy of Haiku Zine Issue 1 - the topic for this inagural issue is the noble squirrel. Inside there are six haikus written from the perspective of a squirrel, truly a wonderful thing to behold. Plus each page is lavishly illustrated with olde school squirrel woodcut illustrations on lovely cream-colored paper. A tiny, amusing conversation piece!
Sample Haiku:
Misguided acorn
Could have sworn I left you there
Earthen Tupperware
(swoon!)
Monday, March 26, 2007
I'm About to Get a License to Kill (and So Are You!)
In spite of my advanced age (late 30's) I am an obsessive reader of Fark.com I LOVE Fark.com, especially the comment section which reeks of unwashed bodies, excessive testosterone and introduces me to a segment of young, tormented masculine geekery that I would otherwise not come across.
One recent hotbed of contention was derived from a report of a homeowner who surprised a masked burglar in his home and proceeded to beat the -ahem- crap out of him. He managed to hogtie the burglar and slammed the knife-wielding perpetrator into his floor a few times. When our heroic homeowner removed the burglar's mask, he was aghast to discover that the burglar was a seventeen year old GIRL. She was bored so she decided to rob her neighbors (she'd already scored over $1,000 from other neighbors who weren't home). Bored. When I was seventeen, I was working two jobs and going to college full time. Bored did not enter into the equation. But who cares about me? One avid reader pointed out that since Florida's castle doctrine law was enacted in 2005, the burglar would have to take her licks and her newly broken nose would not be fixed at a cost to the homeowner.
Huh? In my little world, it is cheaper just to let the burglar ransack my home than to smack him on the head with my handy dandy ACME meat tenderizer/burglar unconscionator OR HE COULD SUE MY ASSETS OFF.
The Florida "Castle Doctrine" law basically does three things:
It establishes, in law, the presumption that a criminal who forcibly enters or intrudes into your home or occupied vehicle is there to cause death or great bodily harm, therefore a person may use any manner of force, including deadly force, against that person.
It removes the "duty to retreat" if you are attacked in any place you have a right to be. You no longer have to turn your back on a criminal and try to run when attacked. Instead, you may stand your ground and fight back, meeting force with force, including deadly force, if you reasonably believe it is necessary to prevent death or great bodily harm to yourself or others.
It provides that persons using force authorized by law shall not be prosecuted for using such force.
It also prohibits criminals and their families from suing victims for injuring or killing the criminals who have attacked them.
I have been trying to research if we have an analogous law here, but I would hesitate to interpret NJ Supreme Court findings since I am not an attorney. Quite frankly, I am not sure if stowing a revolver in my nightstand is all that fabulous either - especially given the strong curiosity of my imaginary children, Kayleigh and Rocco. I've voted for both Democrats and Republicans and fall more into the libertarian mold, politically, but I am not sure if a federal "License to Kill" is a good thing.
H.R.73 - Citizens' Self-Defense Act of 2007 is cheerily subtitled "To protect the right to obtain firearms for security, and to use firearms in defense of self, family, or home, and to provide for the enforcement of such right." That's lovely, M., you may be thinking, but what do I get out of it? Well, lets just say that if this bill is passed, and a burglar manages to get into your home in spite of your overly-vigilant neighbors, state of the art home security system, evil twin Rottweilers, machete-wielding children, Kubaton brandishing husband and psychotic mother-in-law whom you keep locked in the attic, you have the RIGHT, nay the prehensile DUTY to shoot the burglar's assets off!
SEC. 3. RIGHT TO OBTAIN FIREARMS FOR SECURITY, AND TO USE FIREARMS IN DEFENSE OF SELF, FAMILY, OR HOME; ENFORCEMENT.
(a) Reaffirmation of Right- A person not prohibited from receiving a firearm by Section 922(g) of title 18, United States Code, shall have the right to obtain firearms for security, and to use firearms--
(1) in defense of self or family against a reasonably perceived threat of imminent and unlawful infliction of serious bodily injury;
(2) in defense of self or family in the course of the commission by another person of a violent felony against the person or a member of the person's family; and
(3) in defense of the person's home in the course of the commission of a felony by another person.
Now, this bill, sponsored by a Republican Congressman - no doubt as payback for a generous NRA campaign contribution, will never be enacted into law under a Democratic Congress. I can't say I am overly disappointed, but I can tell you that if I could change this bill, I'd wipe out "felony" under Sec. 3(a)(3) and replace it with "misdemeanor, robbery or other untoward perhaps nasty spiteful thing since the bastard is in your house anyway, you know it can't be good, ."
If you're going to write a bill like this, that you know doesn't have a snowball's chance in heck, at least go whole hog for the humor quotient inherent in the legal system. A tax deduction for the Georgia gun fair purchase of an AK-47 would be helpful. If some freaky deaky burglar-poo is going to be smeared across my living room in non-living technicolor, I want it done with as much firepower as possible. Since this bill is sponsored by a Republican, I think we could also ask for a tax break (deduction) for the hazardous waste removal of any blood spatter or internal organs that find their way into the sanctity of my castle domicile post robber-deflectionary procedure.
One recent hotbed of contention was derived from a report of a homeowner who surprised a masked burglar in his home and proceeded to beat the -ahem- crap out of him. He managed to hogtie the burglar and slammed the knife-wielding perpetrator into his floor a few times. When our heroic homeowner removed the burglar's mask, he was aghast to discover that the burglar was a seventeen year old GIRL. She was bored so she decided to rob her neighbors (she'd already scored over $1,000 from other neighbors who weren't home). Bored. When I was seventeen, I was working two jobs and going to college full time. Bored did not enter into the equation. But who cares about me? One avid reader pointed out that since Florida's castle doctrine law was enacted in 2005, the burglar would have to take her licks and her newly broken nose would not be fixed at a cost to the homeowner.
Huh? In my little world, it is cheaper just to let the burglar ransack my home than to smack him on the head with my handy dandy ACME meat tenderizer/burglar unconscionator OR HE COULD SUE MY ASSETS OFF.
The Florida "Castle Doctrine" law basically does three things:
It establishes, in law, the presumption that a criminal who forcibly enters or intrudes into your home or occupied vehicle is there to cause death or great bodily harm, therefore a person may use any manner of force, including deadly force, against that person.
It removes the "duty to retreat" if you are attacked in any place you have a right to be. You no longer have to turn your back on a criminal and try to run when attacked. Instead, you may stand your ground and fight back, meeting force with force, including deadly force, if you reasonably believe it is necessary to prevent death or great bodily harm to yourself or others.
It provides that persons using force authorized by law shall not be prosecuted for using such force.
It also prohibits criminals and their families from suing victims for injuring or killing the criminals who have attacked them.
I have been trying to research if we have an analogous law here, but I would hesitate to interpret NJ Supreme Court findings since I am not an attorney. Quite frankly, I am not sure if stowing a revolver in my nightstand is all that fabulous either - especially given the strong curiosity of my imaginary children, Kayleigh and Rocco. I've voted for both Democrats and Republicans and fall more into the libertarian mold, politically, but I am not sure if a federal "License to Kill" is a good thing.
H.R.73 - Citizens' Self-Defense Act of 2007 is cheerily subtitled "To protect the right to obtain firearms for security, and to use firearms in defense of self, family, or home, and to provide for the enforcement of such right." That's lovely, M., you may be thinking, but what do I get out of it? Well, lets just say that if this bill is passed, and a burglar manages to get into your home in spite of your overly-vigilant neighbors, state of the art home security system, evil twin Rottweilers, machete-wielding children, Kubaton brandishing husband and psychotic mother-in-law whom you keep locked in the attic, you have the RIGHT, nay the prehensile DUTY to shoot the burglar's assets off!
SEC. 3. RIGHT TO OBTAIN FIREARMS FOR SECURITY, AND TO USE FIREARMS IN DEFENSE OF SELF, FAMILY, OR HOME; ENFORCEMENT.
(a) Reaffirmation of Right- A person not prohibited from receiving a firearm by Section 922(g) of title 18, United States Code, shall have the right to obtain firearms for security, and to use firearms--
(1) in defense of self or family against a reasonably perceived threat of imminent and unlawful infliction of serious bodily injury;
(2) in defense of self or family in the course of the commission by another person of a violent felony against the person or a member of the person's family; and
(3) in defense of the person's home in the course of the commission of a felony by another person.
Now, this bill, sponsored by a Republican Congressman - no doubt as payback for a generous NRA campaign contribution, will never be enacted into law under a Democratic Congress. I can't say I am overly disappointed, but I can tell you that if I could change this bill, I'd wipe out "felony" under Sec. 3(a)(3) and replace it with "misdemeanor, robbery or other untoward perhaps nasty spiteful thing since the bastard is in your house anyway, you know it can't be good, ."
If you're going to write a bill like this, that you know doesn't have a snowball's chance in heck, at least go whole hog for the humor quotient inherent in the legal system. A tax deduction for the Georgia gun fair purchase of an AK-47 would be helpful. If some freaky deaky burglar-poo is going to be smeared across my living room in non-living technicolor, I want it done with as much firepower as possible. Since this bill is sponsored by a Republican, I think we could also ask for a tax break (deduction) for the hazardous waste removal of any blood spatter or internal organs that find their way into the sanctity of my castle domicile post robber-deflectionary procedure.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Wide Range of Spending in N.J. Schools
The New York Times just came out with an article in today's paper in regard to the wide range of spending in New Jersey schools. Although they concentrated mainly on the Abbot School districts that receive a majority of state funding, they also ranked the municipal school districts . The chart shows comparative spending per pupil in more than 600 school districts across New Jersey. As everyone within Jersey (or Joisey, if you want to be technical) knows, there is nothing - nothing that we are more passionate about (and I am even INCLUDING SEX) than our school rankings.
On one hand, a high ranking means that your property values are certain to escalate dramatically because everyone looks at the rankings and NO ONE wants to cause incalculable harm to little Jaden, Madison or Chad by leaving them to the prattlings of an INFERIOR school system (I'm not naming names, Rockaway Boro, ranked 562 out of 600). Personally, my own imaginary children, Kayleigh and Rocco, chronic underperformers that they are, would do well in Rockaway Boro, since I'm sure they would blow out the curve and graduate Summa and Magna Cum Laude - misunderstood child geniuses, both). On the other hand, Mountain Lakes is 26th on the list. Excuse me while I commit hairi kairi with my letter opener. My own town, Morris Plains is a "slackerish" 129th in spending. (Apologies to my Boro - I'm sure all of our teachers are working extremely hard given the $13.4k per child they have to work with, which only covers 87% of educating said student).
Which leads us into the second unfolding drama as a result of the school rankings and the SECOND MOST IMPORTANT TOPIC THAT WE NEW JERSEYANS HOLD DEARER TO OUR HEARTS THAN EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD (save our imaginary children). Test Rankings. Basically, the school ranking discrepancy can be parsed by the fun "how much are we spending per child in our school systems vs. the effect of this spending on math and language test rankings game." ) a.k.a. (with the heinous amount of property taxes I pay annually, Rocco and Kayleigh had BETTER be scoring in the top 90th percentile, dammit)
Of course, when the reader focuses on the rather mundane aspect that school spending equals HIGHER PROPERTY TAXES, the rankings game becomes less important than the "how the heck am I going to afford to pay my property taxes this year" game.
Now this starts up the exciting battle between my sister, "Eliza the Obsessively Perfect"(EtOP) and me "Trish the Excessively Imperfect" (TtEI). EtOP lives in Mendham which, according to our friends at the NYT ranks 156th in school spending and $12.9k per student (I'm taking Mendham Twp, not Boro). Morris Plains ranks 129th in school spending and 13.4k per student for the 2006/7 school year. (This is down $200.00 from the prior year, so they must have discontinued art or phys-ed for the savings. Either that, or an overly paid administrator was summarily shown the door - kidding, please don't send me 20,000 hate e-mails in regard to our school system, yes, I know it's great...please don't hurt me)
Well, should Rocco and Kayleigh have taken the 3rd, 4th and 5th grade Language Arts exam, they would have scored somewhere around 98, 92, 92 percentile respectively.
Okay, Eliza-the-Perfect's genetically engineered test tube offspring known as Thad and Thor scored 93 and 96th, respectively, and 97th if they ended up in Mendham township middle school.
These are basically the same scores with Mendham winning slightly as spawn starts conjugating verbs. Now for math: Morris Plains 96, 95, 92 vs. Mendham 92, 95, 96. Basically, the same scores reversed. So, while I can rib Eliza-the-Perfect in regard to Mendham's slightly lower per student spending, I can't call NJ DYFS and claim my nephews, Thor and Thad, as my own because their test scores are still within the shockingly brilliant percentile. (I make up my own percentile categories).
Thus, EtOP retains custody of her children, at least until their scores fall into the 80th (abysmal) percentile and I scoop them up for the more brilliant climes of The Plains. Just kidding, Thor and Thad will never be my own, they have a blatant history of feline enmity and that just will not go over well with my 15 cats.
If you are still awake, check out this report on School funding formula at the NJ Department of Education website. All I can say is that it was obviously written by someone in Wisconsin... Oh look, a Comparative Spending Guide to examine school budgets! I'll let you parents parse the data. I was concerned that the school report card for 2006 isn't out yet on the NJ web site, but is is due out later this month, so I'm sure that there will be more rankings to peruse, dispute and feel smug about. Any comments, anyone?
On one hand, a high ranking means that your property values are certain to escalate dramatically because everyone looks at the rankings and NO ONE wants to cause incalculable harm to little Jaden, Madison or Chad by leaving them to the prattlings of an INFERIOR school system (I'm not naming names, Rockaway Boro, ranked 562 out of 600). Personally, my own imaginary children, Kayleigh and Rocco, chronic underperformers that they are, would do well in Rockaway Boro, since I'm sure they would blow out the curve and graduate Summa and Magna Cum Laude - misunderstood child geniuses, both). On the other hand, Mountain Lakes is 26th on the list. Excuse me while I commit hairi kairi with my letter opener. My own town, Morris Plains is a "slackerish" 129th in spending. (Apologies to my Boro - I'm sure all of our teachers are working extremely hard given the $13.4k per child they have to work with, which only covers 87% of educating said student).
Which leads us into the second unfolding drama as a result of the school rankings and the SECOND MOST IMPORTANT TOPIC THAT WE NEW JERSEYANS HOLD DEARER TO OUR HEARTS THAN EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD (save our imaginary children). Test Rankings. Basically, the school ranking discrepancy can be parsed by the fun "how much are we spending per child in our school systems vs. the effect of this spending on math and language test rankings game." ) a.k.a. (with the heinous amount of property taxes I pay annually, Rocco and Kayleigh had BETTER be scoring in the top 90th percentile, dammit)
Of course, when the reader focuses on the rather mundane aspect that school spending equals HIGHER PROPERTY TAXES, the rankings game becomes less important than the "how the heck am I going to afford to pay my property taxes this year" game.
Now this starts up the exciting battle between my sister, "Eliza the Obsessively Perfect"(EtOP) and me "Trish the Excessively Imperfect" (TtEI). EtOP lives in Mendham which, according to our friends at the NYT ranks 156th in school spending and $12.9k per student (I'm taking Mendham Twp, not Boro). Morris Plains ranks 129th in school spending and 13.4k per student for the 2006/7 school year. (This is down $200.00 from the prior year, so they must have discontinued art or phys-ed for the savings. Either that, or an overly paid administrator was summarily shown the door - kidding, please don't send me 20,000 hate e-mails in regard to our school system, yes, I know it's great...please don't hurt me)
Well, should Rocco and Kayleigh have taken the 3rd, 4th and 5th grade Language Arts exam, they would have scored somewhere around 98, 92, 92 percentile respectively.
Okay, Eliza-the-Perfect's genetically engineered test tube offspring known as Thad and Thor scored 93 and 96th, respectively, and 97th if they ended up in Mendham township middle school.
These are basically the same scores with Mendham winning slightly as spawn starts conjugating verbs. Now for math: Morris Plains 96, 95, 92 vs. Mendham 92, 95, 96. Basically, the same scores reversed. So, while I can rib Eliza-the-Perfect in regard to Mendham's slightly lower per student spending, I can't call NJ DYFS and claim my nephews, Thor and Thad, as my own because their test scores are still within the shockingly brilliant percentile. (I make up my own percentile categories).
Thus, EtOP retains custody of her children, at least until their scores fall into the 80th (abysmal) percentile and I scoop them up for the more brilliant climes of The Plains. Just kidding, Thor and Thad will never be my own, they have a blatant history of feline enmity and that just will not go over well with my 15 cats.
If you are still awake, check out this report on School funding formula at the NJ Department of Education website. All I can say is that it was obviously written by someone in Wisconsin... Oh look, a Comparative Spending Guide to examine school budgets! I'll let you parents parse the data. I was concerned that the school report card for 2006 isn't out yet on the NJ web site, but is is due out later this month, so I'm sure that there will be more rankings to peruse, dispute and feel smug about. Any comments, anyone?
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